It is hoped that you find this information useful and enlightening and I wish you the best of luck arranging a memorable experience! :-) Feel free to contact me for specific questions, share your escapades or provide feedback.
Table of Contents
|Part I - Introduction
|Part II -
Are We Ready?
|Part III - Finding the right partner
|Part IV - The first meeting
|Part V - The Big Day
|Part VI - Afterward
|The guide is intended for
perfectly normal women and men involved in a loving
relationship . Couples interested in this lifestyle
are in most cases married, but some are unmarried and
involved in a serious long-term relationship. In
this fantasy, the woman is encouraged to engage in sexual
play with another partner. These adventures may be
limited to cyber-flirtation or exhibitionism, or much
more. This guide is
primarily written for beginners, mature in their views of
sexuality, who are considering this next step. It
also includes alternatives for those couples who don't
feel comfortable making the fantasy a reality at this
You'll see that a sensible GO SLOW approach is suggested. Why? Because it allows the couple to maintain a sense of control as they explore their own deepest desires and those of their partners. In addition, it provides the opportunity to stop at any time if either partner feels uncomfortable.
Before we begin...An important clarification must be made. This is not swinging. It is not "open marriage" which is simply another word for swinging. The author neither condones or supports the swinging lifestyle. Bringing the MFM or shared wife fantasies to life does not lead to swinging - at least not for me or anyone that has a sincere interest in this fantasy. Please look elsewhere if that is your interest.
|One of the most common questions on relationship bulletin boards or chat rooms that pertain to shared wife discussions is "Should we make this fantasy a reality?" or "How do we proceed?" or "How can I talk with my partner about my fantasy?". Many of these questions have no simple answer. Quite a number of the responses provided by fellow members in a discussion site such as The Hot Wife Forum , the Our Wives Forum are lacking in details, are simple come-ons or too risky for many. My goal is to present a common sense, approach with a few of do's and don'ts that will work for everyday couples.|
|The terms "Hot Wife" and "Shared Wife" have similar meanings in the context of sexual relationships. Male-Female-Male (MFM) relationships is also used. The "hot" designation is by far the most popular. A few women that I have great respect for, object to the term "Hot Wife" for a couple of reasons. First, they may not be married and second, they don't perceive themselves to be any more "hot" than other women and prefer the alternate terms instead. For these reasons I will refrain from using the "hot" designation.|
|It is important to first
explore what it is before we discuss how to arrange
it. ;-) First a succinct definition:
MFM sexual experimentation may take several forms from rather benign flirtation to exhibitionism. These moderately erotic sexual activities are discussed in a later chapter. The bulk of this guide refers to a relationship that eventually leads to physical sex.A trusting relationship where a couple supports and encourages the women's sexual experimentation with another male partner, but maintains a strong emotional bond with one another.
It is often said that this fantasy taps into the way men and women are wired. What is the driving force behind this desire for the man? For the women? Is It normal? Read on.
|Changing gender roles in
society make available more opportunities than ever
before for women to pursue sexual relationships that
transcend traditional boundaries. Women can
now freely challenge repressive norms which have limited
their options in the past to have more partners, while
practically rewarding men to do the same. What's
more, they will find support and even encouragement from
their mates in the context of marriage or a serious
long-term relationship. To
consider an MFM experience, whether is it serious
flirtation or much more, provides a new dimension in
sexuality. For mature couples, it can be both positive
and mutually satisfying, with a little planning and
forethought. The feeling of sexual power and
confidence, by enticing two males into bed can be a huge
turn on. As a rule, women are capable of outlasting
any one man, and with a second partner she may be able to
reach a previously unobtainable sexual high. The
result is more often than not "memorable sex"
that you both think fondly of and recall from time to
Of course, any major change in our sex lives can be cause for concern. It is with a certain amount of fear that most women begin their sex life or try a sex toy with their partner for the first time. But with each chance taken, new pleasures are often realized. All couples have initial feelings of intrepedation with MFM encounters, but those anxious moments fade away and are replaced by sexual joy.
For more information on women's sexuality, I would suggest any of the following:
Are We Ready?
Are we ready to turn fantasy into reality?
|There are several prerequisites
that should be met before you both consider turning this
fantasy into a reality which relate to your background,
mindset and age.
|This section will mainly apply to the male readers. Women
want respect, love and physical sex - usually in that
order. If you're preparing to discuss this
seriously with your partner, this is a perfect time to
work on your relationship. Before you broach the subject directly,
it is assumed you've already explored her sexual past and
have bought toys that help explore sex with another
partner. There are countless ideas, but I've
compiled a list of sexual experiences that encourage
sexual maturity for both of you:
The best time to talk seriously about this fantasy is while flirting, but not in the throes of passion. As with most sensitive topics, timing is everything. :-) I urge you to take the open and honest approach about your sexual needs. Explain that your fantasy has developed over time, as you've thought about you're own sexuality. If you're like nearly every man I've responded to on this topic, the idea of exploring a MFM relationship does not in any way lessen your love for your partner. She needs to hear this message in particular.
Most women will jump to conclusions and believe that their partner actually desires a swinging relationship. They may view a shared-wife experience as a means to that end. It will be necessary to reassure her otherwise, perhaps frequently.
Don't discuss the details about how and when - that's for later. First share the reasons you want it to happen (see part 1). Explore how you think you will feel afterwards. I would suggest a "go slow" approach. This is your chance to grow and explore your sexuality together over time and strengthen your relationship. If done right, it will be a wonderful experience and you'll remain happy, sexually fulfilled and very much in love.
Finding the right partner
Finding the right partner
|When a couple selects a man to be included in your
sex life, he might not be the right partner. There
could be a variety of reasons, but the more he knows
about either of you, the more difficult it will be to
keep him out of your life. If he does not have a
way to contact you besides e-mail, it is much easier to
say you're not interested and move on. For this
reason, I don't particularly recommend:
Ex-boyfriends: She knows the guy and she's already had sex with him, so what could be wrong? Plenty. Women have a natural tendency to become attached to whoever they are having sex with. If he was more than a one night stand, she was at one time emotionally involved. Sex with him will bring back those emotional feelings for both her and the boyfriend. This is uncool, so why risk it?
Men, just like women, become emotionally attached to a sex partner under the right conditions. From time to time, her new partner will try to convince her to resume a permanent relationship, even when there's no chance she would consider it. It ruins the event for everyone.
Friends that live in your area: I don't discourage this in all cases, but it would not be my first choice. If they are occasional visitors to your area (or if you visit them), that's more acceptable but proceed with caution. After she has sex with him, the friendship can change and can actually dissolve and become awkward. I made this mistake and regret it. Good friends are hard to come by. It is better to meet someone for the expressed purpose to have sex than it is to risk a old friendship. Friends also know where you live, work, play and may talk with other friends of yours. It is OK to become friends with her new partner to some degree, but don't expect it to have the dynamics of a typical friendship.
A guy she knows from the gym or work: It is easier for her, because she has already sized him up and he's considered acceptable. The down side it that he probably knows where he can find her. Also, he's local. Local people know others in your area and then you risk the possibility that your shared wife experiences are commonly known.
|When you surprise someone on the topic of sex, you
never know how they will react. Here are a couple
of situations couples may want to avoid. Propositioning
a friend: Imagine you're planning to ask a
friend to participate in a three-way. How do you
know he will agree? If he says no, everyone will feel
very stupid and the friendship will likely suffer.
Maybe he will not agree to have sex with the husband
present because it is just too embarrassing (there are
lots of guys like this). Again, it will create
problems. Maybe he is impotent. Get the
picture? My advice is that you should be prepared
for most any reaction if you're planning to ask a pal for
Propositioning someone you just met: What if you are planning to ask someone you just met, say at a nightclub or while on vacation? She has danced and flirted with this young hunk for two hours. Perhaps they have kissed and both of them are very horny. Then she propositions him for a three-way. The guy suddenly is quite unhappy. He is not interested in a threesome, especially with another guy present! He wants her to himself. Sadly, this does happen.
Your alternative is to proposition through an advertisement. This way, everyone knows up front the nature of the relationship.
|How do you find him? There are a few options,
let's explore the advertisement method first.
Essentially, couples can use the internet and take out an
ad. Place the ad in the The Hot Wife
Forum , the Our
Wives Forum, Yahoo's Adult
Personnel's, the Do
My Wife Mailing List or somewhere similar.
Before you do, I urge you to take sensible precautions. Don't give out a phone number, address, place of work, identifiable picture or any other personal information. Do include your area code otherwise expect more mail than you can handle. Be prepared for an onslaught of email (20-50 messages per day at least). I suggest an ad that looks similar to the following:
When you find one you like, I suggest you respond with a picture of her that does not reveal her identity and ask for additional information. Let him know that unless you send him e-mail, he is not to send you any.
This can be a fun experience for a couple going through the candidates together. When you think you've found the right man, and you believe he is for real, I might suggest you participate in a suggestive cyber-chat or cyber-sex relationship for a while. Get to know him, his likes and dislikes and share similar information with him. This acclimation time make's it much easier for both of you if you decide to meet.
|Some couples don't want to use a personals ad. In this case, there are several other options. You can both go to a night club and she can try to pick someone up. Another option is to go on vacation and find someone there. I've heard of couples that take a Caribbean vacation just for this purpose.|
|Readers of MFM erotica found on the web have no doubt
noticed the interest, especially by males, centered
around the penis size of the studs selected to please
their women. The stories seem to take on mythical
proportions. So... do you search for a well hung
stud? The answer maybe yes and maybe no depending
on your situation, although a "minimum" size
criteria is a good idea. Most men desire to have a 10
inch penis as thick as your arm. But, if you ever
have an honest conversation with a well hung guy, you
might find he's not perfectly happy about it.
Why? Because he's too long for full penetration
with many partners. Vagina size varies
significantly and while some are very deep, others are
not. Some women experience pain, not unlike a cramp
if a penis or dildo makes forceful contact with the back
of the vagina near the cervical entrance. If the
man cannot grind his pelvic bone against her clitoris, it
may be very difficult for her to really enjoy the sex and
Contrary to what you might read, the vagina does not readily stretch in length like a uterus does to accommodate pregnancy. It can adjust to accommodate greater thickness, not length. Thick is generally good. Erotic stories indicate that a women accustomed to the small penis of her husband will over the course of a few minutes be able to accept another man's tool that's several inches longer. In my experience, this does not appear to be true. I'm 6.5 inches and have encountered several women that would prefer that I was a half inch shorter because I would occasionally "bottom out" in certain positions. They never seemed to adjust. I've also had girlfriends that could accept a 9" dildo so vaginal depth varies.
Here's something else to think about. A few years back, I encouraged my then girlfriend to have a sexual experience with another man. We found a guy. She blew him in his car about two weeks before she actually had sexual intercourse with him and found that he had a 4.5 in penis - one of the smallest she had ever seen. I was disappointed, hoping for at least six. A couple of weeks later, she had one of the most intense sexual experiences with this guy that left her breathless. She had so many orgasms, she lost count and her pussy was sore for a day afterwards. It is like the old saying, "It is not the wand, it is the magician."
Another common complaint I hear from women is that well hung guy's don't try to please them in bed. They assume their size means they don't have to work too hard and it is over too soon.
If you want a guy who'll please a woman, look for:
|You'll be most comfortable if her new partner does not know where you live, work or play. In this way, you control the communication. Why is this so important? Even with people you think you know, when you start having a sexual relationship with them, they may feel entitled to intrude into your life in a variety of ways. He may call one or both of you when it is not wanted. He may show up at your doorstep, at work or at the gym when you simply don't want him around. He might talk to others that know you.|
The First Meeting
The First Meeting
|This meeting is necessary to see of there is
chemistry and to verify that he looks attractive to her
in person. Pictures can be deceiving. Some
couples skip this step or go straight from this meeting
to a motel but I think that's asking too much of a
woman. She needs to warm to him and this meeting is
an icebreaker that helps her with this process.
Take your time. Send him email and arrange to meet him
in a public place where you can talk. Tell him this
will only last an hour and you have an engagement later
(you can always decide to break the engagement if you
want to chat longer). Explain up front that this
meeting will not include sex. I would suggest a
place that serves alcohol and has some privacy (e.g.
background music or a sparsely occupied seating
area). Get there early and have a drink if you're
nervous. Have him set where there is plenty
of eye contact between her and the prospective new
partner. Let nature take it is course. If
there's chemistry great. If there's not, don't be
discouraged and plan to start over.
If the meeting is going well, there should be flirtation and some level of sexual tension in the air. If it looks promising, it is a good idea to let the woman and her perspective partner have a few minutes alone to talk. Make an excuse to get drinks, go to the bathroom, etc. Later, the couple should ask for a few minutes alone to chat before extending a future invitation for more that just conversation. If you're both in agreement that this guy will be right for you, then it is time to make future arrangements and set some ground rules.
I would suggest you arrange for a hotel meeting several days later. This gives you both time to back out if you desire. Tell him you will send e-mail if there is a problem with this arranged date at least a day in advance of your next meeting. It is appropriate that you ask the man to pay for a room or at least share the cost (If I were the lucky guy, I would volunteer to arrange for the room) at a nice hotel. I would suggest a time not too late in the day as you may want to start the evening with a meal, dinner, dancing or whatever will help make this a night she will never forget.
Most ground rules should have been previously discussed via e-mail earlier including the topic of aids testing.
|Communication at this point between you and your partner is essential. She may have second thoughts after the first meeting for one reason or another. If so, just cancel the invitation. If you're still ready to proceed, I suggest you stop having sex at least a few days before the first meeting. Why? It is one thing to talk about having sex with a stranger and entirely another to actually go through with it. Yes, this will be very difficult, because sex will be on your minds every minute until the next meeting. :-) Being very aroused beforehand will almost certainly make it easier for her. The sex will be hotter and the orgasm's more plentiful, believe me. If you can't hold out a week, at least try for a couple of days and don't have sex just prior to the encounter.|
|I suggest a nice hotel with a lounge that you are comfortable with. If you live in a small town, you should plan on driving to a nearby city to remain discrete. Don't choose a sleazy motel, the lighting is poor and the place is not usually clean or very large. Plan to meet him in the lounge and start with small talk.|
|If you have not discussed the details beforehand, now that this is almost a reality, this is the time to determine what you really want and don't want. Will this be a threesome or will the husband/boyfriend just watch? Will the both of you start out and have him join in? Is French kissing appropriate? Do the men alternate time with the woman? Will you take pictures or video the events? Can she have unprotected sex with both of you? (not recommended). Will she go to the room with her new partner and be joined by her husband/boyfriend later? (not recommended the first time). How long will the sex last? Is anal sex allowed? How about double penetration? It is not important what you decide, just that you have a discussion about it.|
The Big Day
The Big Day
|On the day of the event, you may want to get some wine, beer or favorite drink. A stereo with CD's with selections that gets everyone in the mood is recommended and can mask noise heard though walls and doors in a hotel. ;-) Don't forget some water based lubricant and extra condoms. If she's planning on an evening with two men, it may be non stop marathon sex and staying lubricated for several hours is not easy. A camera or a video cam is a great idea if you want to capture the event. This way you can both relive the memories.|
|I think this is often overlooked and is the cause for
some problems with first time three-ways in
particular. Most men have never had sex with
another man present. This makes them feel
uneasy. It can cause temporary impotence.
Also, if you've laid down half a dozen pre-sex ground
rules - "don't do this and don't do
that", he may be spooked. So what can
you do? First time sex in a three-way is usually
awkward at first. This can me minimized if you take
things slowly and get to know one another with
e-mail. Get comfortable as a threesome before
removing your cloths with conversation. Chat over a
beer. Flirt with email. Slow dance.
Tease one another. This will pay off in the end.
The relationship between the two men will probably be the most awkward. The husband/boyfriend should find a way to indicate with his woman's new partner when it is OK to proceed and when it is not. Having a friendly one-on-one conversation is recommended. Email communications work well for this.
|You may want to start with light conversation and a cocktail in the hotel lobby. On a queue from her, you can all venture to the hotel room. Both men could start by giving her a body massage fully clothed. A foot massage is a great place to start and is an excellent icebreaker. Gradually, the husband/boyfriend can remove articles of clothing. Then let nature take its course. I don't believe you can proceed too slowly, but it's easy for miscommunication and awkward moments if you move too fast. As a rule, I think it is best when the woman sets the pace.|
|It is completely up to the couple what the
husband/boyfriend does. He can either join in, take
turns or passively watch and snap a few
pictures. And here's a tip: if you
decide to photograph, use a flash as hotel lighting does
not make for good photos. :-) Assuming you
develop a relationship over time with her new partner and
you both trust him, I would suggest the husband/boyfriend
leave the room for 20 minutes. She and her new sex
partner may be reluctant to show their wild side for
different reasons. He may feel uncomfortable with
the other man in the room. She may feel guilty
exhibiting too much pleasure. While alone, they may
reach a new level of passion. When you return, they
may be more willing to continue in this manner.
Another twist it to stop after a period of time and ask the new lover to leave for a period of say an hour. Then have him phone the room and come back later. It gives you both some time to talk and be passionate in private. When he returns, she can resume with him where she left off knowing her husband/boyfriend is both excited and supportive.
|Long before your first meeting, indicate in your
email that if either of you wants it to end, it must end
immediately, no questions asked. He should agree
completely. When you make final hotel arrangements
with the new partner, tell him it will end within 2 hours
of the time you get to the room. You can always
change your mind and continue for as long as you're both
comfortable with it.
The couple should have a non-verbal queue, that they can use in the hotel room indicating they want a time out or the whole thing to end.
Keep the sexual encounter to just that. A few hours of sexual activity is enough. For most couples, once or twice a year of this activity is plenty. You don't want a steady diet of sex outside of the relationship. If you want a repeat performance, take pictures or video the event and re-live the experience at home.
Make it a threesome. The presence of a husband/boyfriend will help her keep emotions in check. Realize it will feel awkward for her and her new lover. It will take an adjustment period where the three of you get used to each other in the bedroom, but it is nothing you can't work through. If you take it slow, this is not difficult. Have a drink, start with a massage. Move to heavy petting and let things happen naturally. ;-)
It is best not to "go on a date" alone - especially at first. It also reduces the anxiety for the husband/boyfriend. I let my girlfriend "date" and stayed home wondering what was happening. On one level, this is exciting, but on another it makes for very anxious moments and mixed feelings. If she arrives home an hour late, it will feel like minutes for her and days for him. When she comes home, the man is more than ready to have sex but she will have had time to cool off. She and may not want sex at all. Talk about disappointment. :-( The sex immediately after (seconds later) she's been with her lover is the very best of all. Don't miss out by staying home.
This is not the place for romance. If an evening out for her is agreed upon, it should NOT include a dinner, dancing, lot's of discussion and subsequent sex. This is "dating" mode. It is the way in which we court a member of the opposite sex and establish a potential lifelong partnership - but inappropriate for a shared wive/girlfriend. If a date is arranged, it should be short (i.e. for a drink, then upstairs to the hotel room). At a predetermined time, the husband/boyfriend should knock on the door. This can be a few minutes after her lover departs or he can still be there. The couple can decide. Another way to arrange this is to have all three of you there in the hotel room when you begin, then the husband/boyfriend can leave for a while (e.g. 30-45 minutes) and return. Again, this is not suggested the first time.
There should not be any discrete communications between the woman and her new sex partner. No daily e-mail banter, phone calls, mail, flowers or personal visits. It is my suggestion that the man maintains the dialog with the new partner in e-mail format only and he should not be allow to talk your wife/girlfriend directly. This is not meant to control your spouse/girlfriend, it is to keep this new partners desire for more of a relationship firmly in check. His communication will be less romantic if he knows the boyfriend/husband is reading the mail. As stated earlier, I have a rule:
When I contact you, you can respond with mail. If you don't hear from me, then we don't want to hear from you. If you break this rule, it is over.
Talk about the emotions she feels afterward. It is OK if she likes him, but if she feels something more, you both should be careful about future meetings. Feelings of guilt sometimes set in at first, but with reassurance from the husband/boyfriend, this will pass. Have a heart-to-heart talk about how both of you feel several days later. It is a new experience for both of you and the relationship you already have is always the first priority.
Keep the romance alive within your own relationship. Don't make the grass look greener somewhere else. Treat her like a princess at the center of your world.